Final Fantasy VII: The “improved” script
by Ceteris
1. What boobs?

DS: Welcome to Final Fantasy VII: The "improved" script  
  
Cid: What the fuck are you talking about this story is bullshit!  
  
DS: In that case you won't mind if I say that you are going to be castrated  
  
Cid: Please NO, heavenly master!  
  
DS: That's better. Now give the disclaimer.  
  
Cid: He owns shit.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------  
  
Final Fantasy VII: The "improved" script  
  
Chapter one  
  
We see lots of green balls (not those balls) flying around in space. They then get really angry and start killing each other, but stop when a green- eyed lady's head appears. She then starts sniffing them. She then gets up, revealing that she is in an alley.  
  
Green-eyed lady: Man, that new glowing crack is so much better than the old, classical one.  
  
She walks out of the alley and ends up outside a movie theater where people are throwing stuff at the ticket office. She then looks at the title of the movie.  
  
Green-eyed lady: Love Lassie? That movie stinks.  
  
We then see the manager of the theater jump out the window and land flat on his ass.  
  
Manager: MY ASS!  
  
He gets up and a bowling ball hits him in the spine, causing him to fall down again.  
  
Manager: MY SPINE!  
  
He gets up again and is yet again struck down by a golf ball in the crotch.  
  
Manager: MY VAGINA!  
  
The crowd gasps, very loudly. Among the gasps there are screams of pain and an orgasm. One of the people goes up to him and kicks him in the crotch.  
  
Manager: AHHHHH!  
  
Person: Strange.  
  
The person then walks away and the manager finally gets up without being hit again.  
  
Manager: Hey, bitch.  
  
A lot of sleazy dressed women line up in front of him.  
  
Sleazy dressed women: Me?  
  
Manager: No, the one in the pink dress with the Viagra in the basket.  
  
The sleazy dressed women leave.  
  
Green-eyed lady: What?  
  
Manager: You will come and see Love Lassie.  
  
Green-eyed Lady: Never, you will never make me.  
  
Manager: Oh really? Then take this. The manager starts throwing front row tickets at her. The Green-eyed lady dodges them all matrix style.  
  
Green-eyed lady: Is that the best you got?  
  
Manager: of course not.  
  
The manager then takes out an 87% percent universal discount card on food and drink.  
  
Manager: Try this.  
  
He throws the discount car at the Green-eyed lady. It misses and hits a bystander.  
  
Bystander: What's happening to me? I feel strange.  
  
He then starts violently shaking until he suddenly stops.  
  
Bystander: THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE! PRICES ARE GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!!! IT'S TIME TO DANCE AND SING!!!!  
  
He starts dancing while out of nowhere the sleazy dressed women appear again and start singing.  
  
Sleazy dressed women: THEY'RE GOING DOWN, DOWN. DOWN, DOWN. THE PRICES ARE GOING LOWER AND LOWER. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LOSING GIL ON FOOOOOD AAAAAAAAAND DRIIIIIIIIINK!!!!  
  
Green-eyed lady: You monster! You will pay for that!  
  
Manager: How? I have the discount card.  
  
The Green-eyed lady and the manager engage in a bloody and dangerous battle using the erotic, I mean exotic tools found on the street as the camera goes out to show the city of Midgar. Then we see a train which is no different from other trains aside that it carries people which will cause an explosion. The train then stops and three people, Biggs, Wedgie and Jessie jump off landing painfully.  
  
Biggs: My crotch!  
  
Wedgie: My Wedgie just got tighter!  
  
Jessie: My boobs!  
  
Biggs: What boobs?  
  
Jessie: *Glares at Biggs*  
  
Then two soldiers point their guns at them.  
  
Jessie: Let me handle this.  
  
Jessie gets out a magazine of gay porn and shows the pictures to the soldiers. The soldiers then shoot themselves. Jessie, Biggs and Wedgie continue going into the reactor. Then the leader of the group jumps out and does not hurt himself.  
  
Leader of the group: Get out here!  
  
Then out jumps EX-HOOTER who falls on his head but then bounces up because of his springy spikes and lands on his legs.  
  
Leader of the group: Follow me.  
  
As he runs ahead, two more soldiers come out and for some reason don't attack him and charge at EX-HOOTER.  
  
EX-HOOTER has to use his sword to cut them in half, as he does not have any gay porn. He then also does to the reactor entrance to meet Biggs, Wedgie and Jessie.  
  
Biggs: Wow, finally someone who doesn't use porno to kill.  
  
Jessie: Hey, EX-HOOTER what's your name?  
  
EX-HOOTER: Clouds, Spring Clouds.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------  
  
Cloud: Spring Clouds?  
  
DS: Hey, it's a parody  
  
Cloud: Why did you have to choose such a gay one?  
  
DS: Because it's supposed to be funny, like in the other chapters where you will be laughed at because of your name.  
  
Cloud: Meanie Cloud runs away  
  
DS:He'll be back, I've got the script. 


	2. OPEN SESAME STREET

Disclaimer: I own shit  
  
Last time:  
  
Green-eyed lady: Man, that new glowing crack is so much better than the old, classical one.  
*** Bystander: THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE! PRICES ARE GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN  
*** Then we see a train which is no different from other trains aside that it carries people which will cause an explosion.  
*** Jessie: My boobs!  
  
Biggs: What boobs?  
*** EX-HOOTER has to use his sword to cut them in half  
*** Jessie: Hey, EX-HOOTER what's your name?  
  
EX-HOOTER: Clouds, Spring Clouds.  
  
Chapter two  
  
Wedgie: Spring Clouds?  
  
Wedgie starts to laugh hysterically.  
  
Spring grabs Wedgie's wedgie and makes it tighter.  
  
Wedgie: You bastard, now I can't have sex for two weeks.  
  
Spring: You have sex? *raises eyebrow*  
  
Jessie: Well, he doesn't do it normally, but yeah.  
  
Spring: Hmmm. Thanks dude.  
  
Jessie: DUDE? I'M A GIRL.  
  
Spring stares at Jessie's chest.  
  
Spring: Is that your final answer?  
  
Biggs: That's one of the oldest jokes in the book. It's not funny anymore.  
  
Spring throws a rabid weasel at Biggs that begins to eat his skin.  
  
Spring: Neither is that.  
  
Biggs: (screaming) No, actually that is pretty funny.  
  
Then the leader of the group approaches them.  
  
Leader of the group: You whores, stop jacking off, why are you together? I want to be with someone, I'm hungry, Where's my teddy bear?  
  
Biggs, Jessie and Wedgie go into the reactor, followed by the leader of the group who turns around as dramatic music starts to play.  
  
Leader of the group: EX-HOOTER eh? My name is Wallass.  
  
Spring: Why did you tell me that now and not when I first joined the group?  
  
Wallass: It was for the game.  
  
Spring: The game?  
  
Wallass: Yes, if I told you then, the players would be confused right now.  
  
Spring: Really?  
  
Wallass: Yes, although the game is really good, it was after all made in '97 and memory wasn't that good as it is now in '04, so there was no space for me to tell you my name then.  
  
Spring: Oh, what?  
  
Suddenly sad, farewell music starts playing. Wallass: Well, it's time for me to go inside. Goodbye.  
  
Spring: Please wait fatass.  
  
Wallass: What is it?  
  
Spring: What is your last name?  
  
Wallass: It's Britney  
  
Spring: Tell me, what's it like kissing Madge?  
  
Wallass: Eh, it's not all it's cracked up to be.  
  
Wallass goes inside the MAKO reactor.  
  
Authors note: MAKO- Magic Atomic Kazoo Ovulation jell-O  
  
Spring stands there like a moron.  
  
*** 15 minutes later  
  
Spring: Now what was I supposed to do?  
  
A dead seagull (go figure) falls out of the sky and knocks him out.  
  
*** 37 minutes later  
  
Spring suddenly wakes up in tears.  
  
Spring: I forgot to set the VCR to tape my soap at the hideout.  
  
Spring runs back to the hideout crying his eyes out.  
  
***  
  
2 hours later  
  
Inside the MAKO reactor  
  
Wallass and Jessie are standing still and are foaming at the mouth. Wedgie smoked the entire weed which he brought with him and is now smoking a tulip. Biggs is in the corner sniffing something. Spring bursts in like Tarzan and kicks Jessie sending her flying into a wall.  
  
Spring: Look at me, I'm Tarzan  
  
Jessie: Not anymore, the vine that you were swinging on is gone.  
  
Spring: Of course it is. It was only made of hairballs and school lunchmeat. It evaporates after a while.  
  
Wallass: Have you been in a reactor before, Spring? * laughs*  
  
Spring: What do you think; I did work for SHINING-GOO.  
  
Wallass: The SHINING-GOO are evil.  
  
Spring: You figured that out now?  
  
Wallass: *not hearing him* Their reactors continuously perform fellatio on the planet, sucking the MAKO out.  
  
Jessie: I'm aroused by metal. There, the door is open.  
  
Spring: Um, Wallass.  
  
Wallass: Blah, blah, blah. Yak, Yak. I blahed a horse whole.  
  
Spring: The door's open.  
  
Wallass: That's it. You're coming with me.  
  
Spring: Why?  
  
Wallass: Because I want someone to whine to about my sad miserable life.  
  
Spring: Forget it. I'm going to whine about mine.  
  
Jessie: Biggs stop snorting that glue and open this door.  
  
Wallass: My half brother had sex with my half sister in front of me.  
  
Biggs puts the glue in his pocket and goes to the next door.  
  
Spring: My girlfriend had sex with me and my cousin at the same time, and my cousin gave it to her two more times than me.  
  
Biggs: I personally perform fellatio on the planet while getting myself off. There, doors open.  
  
Wallass: I threw up my balls once.  
  
Spring: I had to eat my own homework because my dog wouldn't eat it and then I ate my dog.  
  
Jessie: Get over here every one. I'm gonna open the elevator door.  
  
Everyone runs there as swing music plays.  
  
Spring: I hate swing.  
  
Spring destroys the intercom radio which appeared out of nowhere.  
  
Jessie: OPEN SESAME STREET!  
  
The elevator door opens up and Big Bird jumps out.  
  
Big Bird: Sing, sing a song.  
  
All except Big Bird: AAAAHHHHHH!  
  
Everyone tries to attack, but to no avail.  
  
Jessie: Let me handle this.  
  
Jessie once again takes out the gay porn.  
  
Big Bird: NO, ADULT CONTENT, STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT, NUDITY!! RATING TOO HIGH!! CAN ONLY OPERATE AT G RATING!! NOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Big Bird explodes.  
  
Jessie: Spring, Wallass let's go.  
  
Wallass: Why did you say his name first?  
  
Wedgie: What about meeeeEEEeeeooOOoOOwwww!!  
  
Biggs makes his wedgie tighter.  
  
Biggs: Go right ahead, guys.  
  
Jessie: HEY!  
  
Biggs looks at her chest.  
  
Biggs: Like I said.  
  
Biggs takes out the glue again as Jessie, Spring and Wallass go down the elevator.  
  
Biggs: *sniffing the glue* OH, YEAH!!!  
  
Wedgie: OWOWOWOWOWOOOOOO! 


	3. SMSLO

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Last time:  
  
Leader of the group: You whores, stop jacking off, why are you together? I want to be with someone, I'm hungry, where's my teddy bear?  
*** Leader of the group: EX-HOOTER eh? My name is Wallass.  
*** Spring: What is your last name?  
  
Wallass: It's Britney.  
*** Spring: I forgot to set the VCR to tape my soap at the hideout.  
*** Jessie: OPEN SESAME STREET!  
*** Big Bird: NO, ADULT CONTENT, STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT, NUDITY!! RATING TOO HIGH!! CAN ONLY OPERATE AT G RATING!! NOOOOOOO!!!!  
*** Jessie, Spring and Wallass go down the elevator.  
***  
  
Chapter three  
  
Inside the elevator:  
  
Spring: I can't take it. This horrible music is killing me.  
  
Wallass: Well, this isn't much of a surprise. President SHIT-FACE is a huge fan of the Backstreet Boys.  
  
Jessie: Why is this life so cruel? Tell me Spring.  
  
Spring: Why are you asking me? Ask him.  
  
Spring points to the author.  
  
Me: What do you guys want?  
  
Jessie: Why are you doing this to us?  
  
Me: Jessie you are in no place to be asking questions. I let you keep your original name.  
  
Jessie: I forgot, please forgive me.  
  
Jessie stands quietly while Spring and Wallass scream like maniacs until the ride is over.  
  
After the ride  
  
Spring: Jessie, can you do something to destroy the elevator music?  
  
Jessie: Done  
  
Wallass: Jess, you didn't do anything.  
  
Jessie: Didn't I?  
  
Jessie throws a grenade at the elevator and destroys it.  
  
Wallass: How will we get out later?  
  
Spring: Our author will figure something out. He has to or this fic will get lots of flames and he will be forced to shut it down.  
  
Me: Spring, you have gotten too smart. I now lower your IQ.  
  
Spring stands there like a retard.  
  
Me: Okay, a little bit higher.  
  
Spring starts skipping  
  
Spring: Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies.  
  
Me: higher  
  
Spring; Do you know what our author is doing right now? He's  
  
Me: BIT LOWER, BIT LOWER  
  
Spring: Let's go. I want to get back to the hideout, get my pay, say good bye to Tit-fa and rape makeup executives.  
  
Me: whew  
  
The three of them take different routes. Jessie jumps off and lands face first on the floor. Wallass tries to climb the wall down, but to no avail. He tries to grab Spring's legs and the both fall down, landing on Jessie and everyone gets knocked out.  
*** 26 minutes later  
  
They all wake up, punching each other while yawning.  
  
Spring: Hey, there were stairs there.  
  
Jessie: I wonder why we aren't in a prison.  
  
Wallass: Yeah, The SHINING-GOO must be really blind.  
  
Spring: Yeah, there's one there  
  
The three of them see a soldier falling down the stairs.  
  
Soldier: I'm blind, look every one I'm blind  
  
Wallass: Let's steal his wallet.  
  
They steal his wallet and kick him into a wall.  
  
Soldier: I'm now also deaf. Look, I'm deaf.  
  
Jessie, Spring and Wallass go deeper in to the reactor when Jessie suddenly stops.  
  
Spring: Why have you stopped?  
  
Jessie: It's in my contract.  
  
Spring: what contract?  
  
Wallass: Spring, let's go or this place will explode.  
  
Spring: What? wait a minute; I thought that we were supposed to blow this place up.  
  
Jessie: So what are you here for, go and plant the fucking explosive thong.  
  
At the reactor core  
  
Spring: Look, materia  
  
Wallass: Yes, it is.  
  
Spring & Wallass: MINE!  
  
They both lunge at the materia.  
  
Materia: You two are very stupid  
  
Wallass: How can you talk?  
  
Materia: Well,  
  
Before he can start, Spring pockets it.  
  
Spring: Hurry up.  
  
Wallass: Plant the thong.  
  
Spring: BUT I DON'T WANNA! WAAAAA, WAAAAA!  
  
Spring bawls until Wallass takes out a lollipop  
  
Wallass: Would you do it for this lollipop?  
  
Spring: YAY, LOLLIPOP!  
  
Spring devours the lollipop and approaches the reactor when he hears a voice.  
  
Voice: Why didn't you give me that lollipop? woooooooo  
  
Spring: WAAAA! leave me alone scary mean voice.  
  
Voice: NOBODY LOVES ME!  
  
Spring: Shut up  
  
Voice: I have no idea why I'm telling you this or what the fuck it means. WOOOOOOOOO!  
  
The voice fades out and Spring goes to plant the thong.  
  
Spring: Um, whoops.  
  
Wallass: What?  
  
Spring: I accidentally put the thong on one of the guards outside the reactor.  
  
A massive explosion is heard outside.  
  
Wallass: WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Oh, wait I've got an idea.  
  
Wallass takes out a porn video of old people jacking off.  
  
Wallass: We will put this into that video slot over there.  
  
Spring puts the video in.  
  
Spring: That should do it. Nothing can live watching that.  
  
Suddenly the alarm sounds and they get attacked.  
  
Begin battle:  
  
Spring & Wallass VS. Stupid metallic scorpion like object.  
  
SMSLO: I forgot my name.  
  
SMSLO swings his tail around and hits both of them, getting their limit meters up.  
  
Spring: Take this SMSLO, BRAVE COWARD.  
  
Spring jumps and slashes SMSLO, then looks at him, screams and runs over to Wallass.  
  
Spring: He's scaring me. Your turn.  
  
Wallass: BIG RED BALL THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE  
  
Wallass makes a red ball out of clay and throws it at SMSLO  
  
SMSLO: I now remember my name. I'm GUARDING SCORPIONS.  
  
Spring: Then where are the scorpions?  
  
SMSLO: SCORPIONS AHHH, AHHH, GET THEM AWAY.  
  
SMSLO runs around and falls of the bridge.  
  
Win Battle: Spring & Wallass  
  
Spring: Look, there is a timer above us?  
  
Wallass: Why the fuck are the numbers purple?  
  
The run up and Spring sees that Jessie is stuck.  
  
Spring: Why are you stuck?  
  
Jessie: I was masturbating and my leg slipped, now pull me up.  
  
Spring pulls Jessie up and they run up.  
  
They find Biggs, sniffing now super-glue and Wedgie smoking a daffodil and the four of them get out as the reactor explodes.  
  
Outside  
  
Jessie: Well overlooking the facts that we just killed innocent people, caused damage, that this will make them make at least 5 new reactors, and that SNOWMOBILE will now be considered a terrorist group, that should keep the planet alive.  
  
Spring: Hey didn't we forget someone?  
  
Minutes earlier in the reactor:  
  
Wallass: Hey I'm standing here like a moron and am being left behind, doesn't any one see? 


End file.
